• When I was born, I was so
surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to
be there when it happens.
• Always and never are two words you should always
remember never to use.
• I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much
of your time.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
• Born free; Taxed to death.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some people
just don't have film.
• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're
up to.
• I love being a writer... what I can't stand
is the paperwork.
• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
• The hardest part of skating is the ice.
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three,
he was the genius.
• The trouble with being punc tual is that there's
no one there to appreciate it.
• If our constitution allows us free speech,
why are there phone bills?
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch
it to be sure.
• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the
sudden stop at the end.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's
Law of Burnt Fingers)
• Someday is not a day of the week
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